Post-Soviet Dating

Why international dating?

In forthcoming columns here, I plan to talk a little about the myths about men, women, and agencies involved in international introductions. Specially I'll focus on the topic of meeting women in Russia and other former Soviet republics, but you can also find international introductions elsewhere in the world and targeted to different audiences. Chinese agencies for men living overseas who want (or their families demand) a Chinese wife, Asian women looking for western men, and so on. Much of what I will say may apply to all of these kinds of introduction programs for people distant from each other to meet with the intention of marriage.

It all begs the question of why would ANYONE do this? Think about it: who the heck seriously thinks it would be fantastic to meet a total stranger from an alien culture where they don't speak the same language, do everything differently, the food is weird, the weather is weird, even the PLANTS are weird! Manners are different, family traditions are different, even expectations for interactions between men and women are totally different. The more you think about it, the more it sounds like anyone who would seriously consider this must be a bit off their rocker.

And therein lies an uncomfortable truth. This is NOT for everyone, but only a very select few would ever consider it. It is very challenging, and many of those challenges may be hard to recognize ahead of time. The couple will have to be very committed to each other, and to good communication with each other, for it all to work. And good communication with a language barrier is not easy task at all.

So why does anyone do it? Why do agencies exist? Why do Russian women want to consider western men for marriage, and why would western men consider it?

It is a complicated question to answer, but there are some basic patterns that drive the phenomenon.

First and foremost, perhaps, is population dynamics. In the Soviet Union under Stalin, some 20 million people were sent to the Siberian work camps and precious few came home. 95% of those were men. During the Great Patriotic War (Second World War), Russian casualty rates were astronomical. Perhaps another 20 million were killed in the war and again, this was predominately men. The survivors, for that matter, came back with horrific memories. Killing people pays a terrible toll on the psyche of most people, and how that is expressed can vary greatly, but there are few people who can witness savage butchery and walk away unaffected, whether they were victims or soldiers obeying orders. We call it post-traumatic stress disorder now and did not recognize it as such in the 1940s, but the sad truth remains. A lot of soldiers came back at the end of the world broken men. And there were a lot of them who never came home. Suddenly the Soviet Union was a country with a lot of young women and not very many young men, and many more men who would spend the rest of their lives trying to mend themselves... or not trying.

That was not a uniquely Russian phenomenon, of course, but no country took casualties in quite the same way. You can still throughout Europe the consequences in manners and population dynamics of having had two generations of young men significantly reduced through the two world wars. The Soviet Union just got the treatment in spades.

That would of course explain the dearth of grandfathers in modern Russia. But it did set in motion some behavioral patterns that persist to this day. The men who returned had more choices of women than usual, and women looking for good husbands had much much less. In any population where one gender predominates over another, behavioral shifts occur. For example, part of the courting ritual usually is about making a good impression with your potential partner, and maintaining a certain amount of fidelity and kindness to each other. But when there is a dramatic shift, some men see that they don't have quite the compelling case to be as kind and considerate and faithful. I'm not saying all Russian men are like this: in fact, I cannot think of any I've met who were not wonderful men (Well, there was that drunk in the Moscow Airport trying to get me to get him a beer, but never mind.). But a cultural tolerance for men being less wonderful develops since it is very very hard to be a single mother.

On the women's side of the equation, men are scarce. So it is harder to find a husband, good or otherwise. And when things are scarce, they tend to be valued a bit more than usual. It's a mark of prestige to be married when being married is rarer. Women tend to race to the altar for that matter, since if you wait, they might all be gone. And again, the men have choices and can afford to be picky. Men being men, a beautiful 20 year old is more appealing at least in some very superficial ways to a 30 year old. So you can end up with this (to a westerner) bizarre situations where a warm and wonderful person in her late 20s thinks she'll never be married... unless she does something very drastic. The chances of a 35 year old divorcee with a kid or two in tow to remarry are very slim. In fact, one of the two women I met in Russia, whom I will call Natasha for these columns, was a 37 year old women with a 6 year old daughter, whom I'll called Zhejana. Natasha was married to a fellow we'll call Misha and got pregnant, Misha thought this was a good time to start fooling around with another woman. By itself, it is a depressing and sad story. But what's really sad is that it is hardly isolated. Natasha's mother lived through a not altogether different experience. It is depressingly common to see families with grandmother, mother, and a single child, and no father nor grandfather. Single women have to work, so often the children are raised at least partially with their grandmother (or if they are lucky, grandparents). Even among other women with whom I corresponded briefly, I would regularly hear similar stories. Single mothers with a single child are not uncommon, and one reason that the population in Russia is going through a significant crash: estimates suggest Russia will have fewer people by 2030 than Japan.

I've heard a lot of explanations for this without finding any convincing, but this skewed pattern of gender imbalance has remained. Alcoholism is rampant in Russia, and it takes a heavier toll on men than women. Weekend drowning deaths in boats there occur at four times the rate per capita than they do in Great Britain for example, and vodka and beer had quite a role in casting that shadow on society. Ditto for road accidents, long term health problems from drinking, and so on. Toss in Chechnaya and prior to that, Afghanistan, and again the population preferentially loses young men, Estimates I've seen from censuses (as well as anecdotal comments from online agencies) peg the population difference to be as high as 10 million more women than men.

Now a lot of those women are young girls like Zhejana. Many more are older women like Zhejana's grandmother. But still, that is an awful lot of young women of marriageable age who will never marry anyone. In a culture that values marriage very highly. That's also a lot of women who marry once and for any one of a variety of reasons, then divorce, who are even more unlikely to remarry. So these women are ready to consider some unusual ideas should someone point out a pool of potentially marriage interesting worthy men.

Worthy men is an important part of that concept and I will return to it time and again in this column, but let me just emphasize this point now. This is NOT desperation or women who will do anything to have any man whatsoever. But it does mean they might consider an option that ordinarily might sound odd. Like a nice kind gentle person from overseas who likes them and doesn't consider it some hindrance that she's an ancient crone of... oh, 32 years old. And who might even not only think that her children are acceptable, but even arguably a bonus. Zhejana was a wonderful kid and it would have been quite appealing to me to have her as a daughter (not withstanding her attempts to cheat at cards). But at the same time, when Natasha and I found that we were not working out well together, there was no attempts to change my mind or convince me I was making a mistake. Natasha wanted the right man for her, and was willing to consider an American. But she was just as willing to reject an American that wasn't suitable.

It is also worth saying that an awful lot of women would never ever ever consider the idea of meeting a person from overseas for marriage. It is not for everyone. But if it is a potential option for just one in a thousand women, that adds up quickly to a lot of women who might consider marriage to a foreigner, and willing to explore that option through online agencies.

posted by Anonymous Jack @ 12:30 AM